Erm, that's a little Uncomfortable, isn't it, babe?
by Pomodoridori
Summary: Kisame finds himself in an awkward situation. Kakuzu is not helping. Hidan is a little shit and Itachi is haughty.


Kakuzu and Kisame didn't manage to snag some time together until a few months after their first mission.

"Oi," Kakuzu had said to Kisame, and then jerked his chin towards a shadowy corner. Kakuzu's new, supposedly immortal partner leered at Kisame from over Kakuzu's shoulder, and only stopped eyeing Kisame's injured leg when Kakuzu snarled at him, "Go away. The mission's done."

"Heh, fuck you, Kakuzu~!" His partner had said, but it turned into a wheeze when one of Kakuzu's fists sunk deep into his belly. Kisame winced at the blood that went everywhere- and then the albino kid _moaned._ There was something tenting in his pants, and Kisame was turning away because _fuck that._

 _Nope. I'm_ so _done here._

All Kisame heard as he limped from the room were the sounds of an escalating argument.

Kakuzu found Kisame later, while he was reading.

There was a brisk knock on the door to Kisame and Itachi's shared quarters and then Kakuzu stuck his head in. Kisame tensed and looked up from his book. "Yes?" he said, cautiously.

"I meant to speak with you earlier." Kakuzu let himself in and closed the door behind him. Kisame frowned. While Kisame was still plenty _wary_ of Kakuzu, he also had a certain respect for the man, so he didn't protest the intrusion.

"You have blood all over your cloak." Kisame wasn't stupid enough to think that it was Kakuzu's blood, either.

Kakuzu's brows furrowed in the way they did when he was annoyed. "So?"

"You'll drip onto the floors."

Kakuzu's hands clenched into fists.

Kisame held up a hand to concede defeat. _No use picking a fight, especially the way his partner was riling him up earlier._

Kakuzu grunted and relaxed a little, though his hands still remained fists.

"What did you want to talk about, Kakuzu?"

"Where is Uchiha?"

Kisame frowned, and then decided that Kakuzu probably didn't want to be overheard.

"He's out."

Kakuzu huffed. "Good."

"So what is it?"

Kakuzu shrugged. "I am tired of spending all my free time with Hidan. He's awful."

 _And you'd rather spend time with me? That's telling, especially since you're such a loner._ Kisame scrunched his nose in sympathy. "So his name is Hidan, huh?"

Kakuzu nodded, and then crossed the room to sit on Kisame's bed. He shed his bloody coat on the floor to spare Kisame the bloodstains (which Kisame appreciated) but he was still uncomfortable with Kakuzu on his bed. Mostly because, y'know, Kakuzu was a merciless killer and Kisame's bed was a vulnerable place.

Kakuzu gestured to Kisame's leg. "What happened?"

Kisame felt his face get warm. _It's embarrassing!_ "I just got a little overexcited, is all."

Kakuzu raised a brow.

Kisame fidgeted. "Long story short, I was being stupid and some rocks crushed my leg."

Kakuzu huffed. "That _is_ stupid," he said, "but aren't you capable of healing most major injuries?"

"I was low on chakra...and the bones didn't set properly, so I had to reset them, and- well-decided to let my leg heal naturally." It wasn't far from the truth, actually.

Kakuzu grunted. "Let me see."

"My leg?" Kisame was not sure he trusted Kakuzu enough.

"Obviously."

Kisame sighed, deciding not to fight it, and gestured to his leg. _There's no stopping him when he gets that look in his eyes._ "Look away."

Kakuzu lifted Kisame's leg into his lap and unwrapped the bandages deftly, wrinkling his nose as the sharp smell of ointment wafted out.

"Itachi suggested the ointment," Kisame said, scratching at the back of his neck nervously, "it's supposed to numb the pain and reduce infection." _It works, too._

Kakuzu blinked, and then ran a finger down Kisame's swollen leg. The touch was feather light, and Kisame shuddered, feeling his face getting a bit warm.

"Kakuzu-" he said.

"It's healing well," Kakuzu cut in. "Uchiha did a good job with the ointment. This injury will take a while to heal, even for you. The bone was crushed, yes?"

Kisame huffed. "I didn't know you were a doctor. And yeah, it got crushed bad."

"I'm no doctor. But I have been a ninja long enough to know." _By that he means that he's done the same to others._ Kakuzu began to re-wrap Kisame's leg, and Kisame was reminded that Kakuzu had been a ninja for longer than Kisame'd lived. It was an uncomfortable thought. "I imagine Uchiha's ointment is all that's allowed you to walk. The bone would be too painful otherwise."

Kisame grunted. "Don't underestimate my pain tolerance."

Kakuzu gave Kisame a withering look. "I know you're not stupid, don't speak as if you are."

Kisame sighed and laid back further against the headboard of his bed. "How bad is Hidan, anyway?"

Kakuzu's shoulders got tense, and Kisame swallowed down the flickering urge to flee. _Dammit, didn't want to piss him off._ "Awful. Hidan is literally the worst thing that's happened to me- and a lot of terrible things have happened to me."

"He's that bad?" Kisame, had, honestly, never seen Kakuzu so annoyed without trying to hurt someone. He was kind of impressed with the man's demonstration of restraint.

"Ugh, he never shuts up. And I can't even kill him."

If Kisame didn't know better, he would say Kakuzu was venting.

"He's really immortal, then?"

Kakuzu groaned, loudly, and said, "Yes. I have tried everything _\- everything_ \- to kill him. Decapitation, dismemberment, burning- you name it, I've tried it."

Kisame grinned. "Even defenestration?"

Kakuzu gave him a tired look that was not amused. "I pushed him out of a window within the first hour I knew him."

Kisame whistled. "Damn."

Kakuzu glared at the wall. His eye was twitching, just barely, and his hands were in grey-knuckled fists.

Kisame wondered if he was planning on leaving, and then realized that Kakuzu shared quarters with Hidan. _He's definitely staying, then._

"Would you like some tea, then?"

Kakuzu crossed his arms. "Yes."

Kisame sighed and closed his book, setting it on the bed. Then he got up and wobbled to the little electric tea kettle that he'd bought for Itachi.

"You really need a pair of crutches," Kakuzu said, "Or else you'll stress the bone."

"It was crushed- how much more stressed can it really get?" Kisame was joking.

Kakuzu opened his mouth, but stopped to scowl when Kisame held up a hand.

"I was joking."

"...Good. I was about to call you stupid, Hoshigaki."

"Mm. Jasmine or black tea?"

"Black."

They were silent for a few moments as the tea kettle boiled.

Kisame let the tea steep, and then handed Kakuzu his mug. It was steamy, and Kisame couldn't help but notice the way Kakuzu's shoulders relaxed just a tic when he smelled the tea's aroma. Kisame hid his smile by taking a sip of his own tea. Jasmine, of course. Kisame found it soothing.

The silence was comfortable, and both ninja sipped at their beverages.

After a few minutes, Kakuzu said, with great effort, "Thank you."

Kisame grinned wide. "No problem. Tea is always a good solution."

Kakuzu gave a noncommittal grunt.

It did not take very long for Kisame to begin to feel drowsy. He was warm, and his bed was comfortable, and it was so _quiet_. Kisame set his tea on the bed stand. Kakuzu blinked his strange red and green eyes at him. Kakuzu was almost as relaxed as that one time they'd drunk sake together.

Kisame sighed, and considered a few things. He didn't think that Kakuzu would attack him in his sleep- it'd be counterproductive, and besides, Kakuzu never seemed particularly inclined to hurt Kisame. _Although on our mission he didn't seem too concerned whether or not I was in his line of fire._

But Kakuzu had become a little more approachable since then.

Kisame yawned, and Kakuzu raised a brow. "Do you normally get tired at four o'clock on a Tuesday?"

"How do you know what time it is," Kisame groused, and then added, "It's the leg. Makes me tired."

"I'm done with my tea." Kakuzu stood, and the bed shifted upwards as it lost his weight.

"M'kay. Just put the cup next to mine." Kisame gestured vaguely at the bedside table.

Kakuzu did so, and then walked to the door.

"Get some rest, Kisame."

Kisame smiled a little. "...I will."

Kakuzu closed the door with a quiet click, and Kisame let himself drift off.

When Kisame woke, he was feeling loose and well-rested. It was a nice feeling, and one that Kisame didn't get often enough. His leg only ached slightly, and when he looked at his bandages they'd been changed and new ointment had been applied. _Itachi, you sly dog._ Kisame grinned. No matter how much Itachi tried to pretend otherwise, he was a sweet kid.

Kisame stretched and then rolled out of his bed. Itachi wasn't in his bed, though when Kisame glanced out the window it was still dark. _Going to sleep so early must have made me wake before dawn. ...I wonder where Itachi is?_

Kisame left Samehada dozing at the foot of his bed and limped out to the communal kitchen. He smiled when he saw Itachi sipping at a steaming mug of tea.

"Hey," said Kisame softly.

Itachi looked up at him and made one of his noncommittal noises.

"You're up early," Kisame added, and then opened the fridge to inspect.

"So are you." Kisame could hear Itachi take another sip of his tea.

Kisame glared at the assorted leftovers (pizza and something meaty?) and decided that an orange would do. _I don't even want to know what that unidentified meat is._

"You couldn't sleep?" Kisame snagged it, closed the refrigerator, and turned to face Itachi as he peeled the orange.

"Hn." Itachi blinked at him, and Kisame noted the deep shadows under his eyes. Kisame pursed his lips.

"'Tachi, you've got to take better care of yourself."

Itachi's eyes narrowed, and Kisame could feel his skin prickling along his arms.

"Here," Kisame said, and tossed Itachi half of the orange. Itachi caught it, looking only vaguely confused. "Eat it," Kisame commanded, "oranges are good for you."

Something deeply sad flickered across Itachi's face for a moment before his expression settled back into neutral. "Thank you, Kisame."

"Mm." Kisame ate. Itachi blinked at his orange a few times mulishly before peeling off a slice and popping it into his mouth.

After Itachi had swallowed, he said, "I saw Kakuzu-san earlier. I believe he went out."

Kisame yawned. "I have no doubt he was pissed."

Itachi gave a delicate shrug. "Isn't he always?"

"Hm." _He's probably trying to avoid Hidan._

As if on cue, there was the sound of something breaking and then loud cursing coming from down the halls. Itachi sighed, stood, and dumped his cup in the sink. Kisame raised a brow.

"Hidan," Itachi clarified, and then left.

Kisame grunted. _Hidan is certainly an annoyance._

It was weeks before Kisame saw Kakuzu again.

Kakuzu and Hidan arrived back from their mission looking tired and crabby. Or, rather, Hidan practically skipped through the door (although he was bitching about something, Kisame wasn't sure what) and Kakuzu trudged in after him, looking for all the world like an angry, tired, wet cat. His fists were clenched and Kisame could _feel_ the waves of killing intent rolling off him.

 _Damn. Kakuzu looks like he's ready to murder someone._ Kisame decided that it would probably be a very bad idea to approach him in this state, so he walked back to his room.

It wasn't until a few days later than Kisame saw Kakuzu again. He was in the kitchen, sitting at the table with his head in his hands.

"Uhm, Kakuzu..?"

Kakuzu looked up. He had eyebags for days.

"Are you, um, okay? You look...er…" Kisame, seeing that Kakuzu's eyes had narrowed, wisely decided not to finish his sentence.

Kakuzu spent a few moments staring at him, before blinking angrily and huffing, "I can't sleep."

"Eh?" Kisame shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably.

"I said, I can't sleep." Kakuzu pursed his lips. "Hidan keeps trying to kill me. I can't let my guard down."

"It _would_ be embarrassing to die at his hands, no?"

Kakuzu grunted in agreement and then rubbed angrily at his eyes. They looked puffy. Kisame winced.

For a few seconds, Kisame battled with his itching need to offer help. (He lost.)

"Uh, well, I wouldn't mind it if you slept in my bed occasionally."

Kakuzu gave him a look. "I'm not stupid, Kisame, I know that you'd mind it."

Kisame shrugged. "You're right. It'd be annoying, but it's worse seeing you stumbling around in a daze all the time." _It was, too._

"You're telling me you'd let me sleep in your bed." Kakuzu sounded incredulous.

"Yes."

"No strings attached?"

"None at all."

Kakuzu stared at him for a few minutes, then added, "How will I know Hidan won't come barging in?"

Kisame huffed. "Itachi and I will be there. And we have seals on the door that alert us when someone is entering."

Kakuzu grunted. "And why would Uchiha tolerate me in his living space?"

Kisame grinned. "Itachi's a pacifist at heart. He won't mind."

"Uchiha murdered his entire clan at the age of thirteen."

"And?"

"...Fine." Kakuzu stood, slowly, and followed Kisame back to his room.

The first thing Kakuzu did when they entered was checking all the seals. Then he trudged over to Kisame's bed and promptly laid down on his belly.

Itachi looked up from his book (he'd been reading on his bed). "Kisame. You are aware that Kakuzu-san is on your bed?"

Kisame nodded. Kakuzu was watching Itachi with suspicious exhausted eyes.

Itachi's lips thinned, just barely.

"It's okay, 'tachi. I offered."

Itachi sighed and went back to reading his book.

"See, Kakuzu? Itachi doesn't mind."

Kakuzu grumbled something and closed his eyes.

It was getting late, and Kisame was beginning to feel sleepy. He'd been in the kitchen, but he'd wandered back to his room once the urge to sleep hit him.

Looking at Kakuzu's big form on the bed, Kisame sighed. _I almost regret offering to let him crash here. I don't think both of us will fit._

"You really dug your own grave this time, Kisame."

Kisame sighed, and looked at Itachi pleadingly. "I'm afraid if I try to sleep in my bed he's gonna wake up and stab me."

Itachi closed his book. "You're going to have to lay in it."

Kisame grumbled. _I knew he wasn't going to let me sleep with him._

A few seconds passed, and something in Itachi's gaze was getting frosty.

"Aa, you're right. Thank you, 'tachi, for letting him stay here without raising a fuss. I appreciate it."

The frosty thing melted away and Itachi smiled a little. "Goodnight, Kisame. Try not to get stabbed."

"Thanks."

"Hn."

At that, the Uchiha turned over and went to sleep.

Kisame stared at Kakuzu a few moments more, and then whispered, "Oi, Kakuzu."

Kakuzu didn't stir.

Kisame tried again, a little louder. "Kakuzu."

No response. Kisame frowned, and then dug through his pockets and pulled out a single coin. He flicked it at Kakuzu, who jolted and nearly fell out of the bed. Then he growled something obscene and pocketed the money.

Kisame smiled. "Kakuzu," he said, ignoring Kakuzu's searing glare, "budge over. I need to sleep, too, and I'm not going to saddle Itachi with my choice to let you stay."

"The floor is all yours," Kakuzu grunted, and Kisame felt a rush of anger before the ninja moves to one side of the bed and motioned for Kisame to come over. "Don't wake me up again, though."

Sleeping sandwiched next to Kakuzu was awkward. Kisame could feel several bony things poking out from Kakuzu's back- there are four of them- and being so close to another ninja without killing them is weird, too.

Every time Kakuzu shifted a little Kisame could feel it, and with their combined weight, the bed was squeaky. Kakuzu smelled like rust and iron and a little salty. Kisame wrinkled his nose. It wasn't a bad smell, per se, but Kisame preferred not to smell anyone on his bed. Because that meant danger.

Sooner or later, though, Kisame drifted off to the sound of Kakuzu's deep breathing.

When Kakuzu woke he there was something warm slung over his side and touching his belly. He stiffened, at first, but then relaxed when he noticed it was Kisame's arm. _Damn idiot._

He could see across the room where Itachi's bed was- there was a dark lump under the covers and Kakuzu imagined that was the Uchiha himself. Irritatingly, Kisame was breathing loudly in his ear, all pressed up against Kakuzu's back like some big clingy octopus. With a sigh, Kakuzu shifted backwards and then- then he could feel something hard poking the small of his back. It took a few seconds for Kakuzu to realize what it was, and when he did he could feel his face heating up. _God damn it._

Kakuzu extricated himself from Kisame's arm and padded to the kitchen. Now that Kisame's erect penis wasn't poking at him, Kakuzu could chuckle. He hadn't had a morning wood since his early forties- his stressful lifestyle and underlying psychological issues had cut right through his libido-and he was almost surprised that Kisame hadn't suffered the same. _Though he is still younger than I was._

Kakuzu was grateful that Kisame had offered to share his bed, though. He felt much better now that he'd had a proper night's sleep. Calmer and more collected.

It wasn't quite dawn yet, and Kakuzu reveled in the quiet. He made himself a steaming cup of tea and sat at the table to relax.

Remembering that Kisame had tossed a coin at him, Kakuzu fished it out to inspect. It was regular currency- worth only one yen. Kakuzu still smiled at it and tucked it away into his pockets. Money really was one of the few things that made him truly happy.

 _I think I will be keeping that one, though. A keepsake._


End file.
